


Envy

by Zivitz



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: Confessions, Friendship, Gen, Male-Female Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:27:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27981498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zivitz/pseuds/Zivitz
Summary: Harvey and Rachel have drinks. S6.
Relationships: Harvey Specter & Rachel Zane
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	Envy

**Author's Note:**

> A thought that turned into something. Who knew? With thanks to Jane, Anna, and Aditi.

Without meaning to, drinks at Rachel’s became something of a ritual. Once or twice a week, on really bad nights or really good ones, Harvey would give her a ride home and she’d invite him in. Most times he accepted, and they found themselves laughing or crying or both over Mike; stupid shit he’d done, the things he thought were funny, plans for what they were going to do when he was out. It was a time for them to grieve his absence while keeping him close by.

Harvey usually had a good idea of what kind of night they were in for, but tonight was different. Rachel was different. Her posture stiffer than usual, her tone more clipped. He didn’t think she was going to invite him in but she did, opening the car door and leaving him behind as she ran up the steps to her (their, Mike wasn’t dead for God’s sake) building. She waited impatiently for him to catch up, then swung the door open and walked ahead without looking back. By the time he made it into the apartment he could hear the sharp tinkling of glasses, the banging of cabinet doors and drawers slamming shut. She was already at the bottom of her first glass and refilling it when he made it to the kitchen, and he leaned against the door frame, taking the glass she offered him.

She was angry, he realized. Really angry.

He took a sip of his wine- he wasn’t really a big fan, but it was more about the company than the drink anyway- and watched as she downed her second glass. As she poured her third he said, “Do you want to talk about it?”

She slammed the bottle down on the counter. “No.”

He raised a brow. “Really? Because something tells me you invited me in tonight for a reason.”

Rachel turned her back on him as she stalked to the table and put her glass down hard enough that it threatened to spill. She threw herself into a chair and crossed her arms. “Fine. Maybe I do.”

Harvey moved to the table, to his usual spot across from her. He wondered if that was Mike’s spot, or if they sat beside each other at meals. “So, what is it?”

“I’m mad.”

He laughed shortly. “I can tell.”

“At you,” she said.

_That_ was surprising. He pointed at himself. “Me? What’d I do?”

“It’s not what you did. It’s what you didn’t do. Or, I don’t know.” She put her arms on the table and placed her head down on them, mumbling.

Harvey’s chest tightened. “Is it because I’m here and he’s not?”

Rachel sighed and lifted her head, eyes shining in the dim light of the range hood. “I’m just... jealous, I guess.”

He frowned. “Okay, now I’m confused. You’re mad and jealous about something I did and also did not do.”

“It’s Donna, too.”

He sat up straighter. “Donna?”

She ran a hand through her hair and mumbled, “I can’t believe I’m about to say this,” before looking him straight in the eye. “I’m upset that Donna got to keep you and I had to give up Mike.”

Harvey stared. Whatever he was expecting, this was not it. “I don’t understand. I get being upset that Mike is gone, and God, Rachel, if I could have it to do over I’d have left for Gibbs’ office ten minutes earlier. It’s something I’m going to regret for the rest of my li-”

Rachel shook her head. “No, it’s not that. I mean, it is but Mike make his own decisions and I don’t blame you for that at all. This is... I saw you and Donna at the office today and it made my heart hurt, Harvey. She gets to see you every day, hear your voice, touch you if she wants to, and I’m just-” she flapped a hand at nothing in particular. “Here. Waiting for scraps that might never come.”

“Rachel,” he said slowly. “You know it’s not like that with me and Donna. There’s nothing there to be jealous _of_.”

She looked at him for a moment, face slack. Then she laughed.

He looked at her in concern as she laughed so long and so hard that she fought to catch her breath, tears streaming down her face. He felt completely at sea, riveted to his seat as her laughter turned to sobs. Eventually he went in search of tissues, snagging a box off the coffee table and placing it by her elbow. He hesitated, then lay his jacket across a vacant chair and crouched down to her level, putting a hand on her back. She shifted in her seat and hugged him, nearly knocking him off his feet. Harvey crouched there holding her awkwardly until his calves screamed in protest and his knees reminded him he wasn’t a young man any more, but he wasn’t going to just leave her- this was Rachel, she was family. And he owed it to Mike to take care of her.

When her tears slowed, and he plucked a few tissues out of the box and handed them to her. She disengaged with a murmured thanks, and he moved to the chair next to her, pulling it out to sit close by.

“Feeling better?”

Rachel blew her nose and let out a wet laugh. “Yeah. Sorry about that.”

Harvey traced circles on the table. “It’s okay to miss him, Rachel.”

“I know.”

“God knows I do.”

She smiled. “I know that, too.”

He hesitated. “But I don’t know what to do about what you said before, about me and Donna. Because you _know_ us, you know it’s not the same as you and Mike.”

  
“Harvey,” she said softly, laying a hand over his to stop his fidget. “That’s not true, and we all know it.”

He fisted his hand as she withdrew hers. “It _is_ true,” he insisted.

“You can say that as many times as you want, but what you two have is something special.”

His face softened. “Special, yes. I’d be lost without her- _was_ lost without her.” He shook his head. “But what you and Mike have is... it’s beautiful.”

“Have you thought that what you and Donna have could be beautiful, too? If you’d just... try it?”

Harvey took a swig of his forgotten wine. “I tried,” he said, wincing against the room temperature alcohol.

Rachel blinked in surprise. “You did? _When_?”

He coughed into his hand and looked anywhere but at her. “When she left me. I took her out for our anniversary dinner. That’s when I found out she was seeing Mitchell.”

Her face fell, and tears sprang to her eyes again. “Oh, _Harvey_. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine,” he said to the window, biting his lip against the quiver that threatened, “but you see now why we’re not the same.”

She hesitated for a second before taking his hand. He looked at her, then, and almost wished he hadn’t. The understanding in her eyes was almost more than he could handle. “Your story isn’t over yet,” she said. “I know it.”

“Yeah, well. It kind of feels that way.” He gave her hand a squeeze before letting go and pushing back his chair to stand. “I should go. You going to be okay?”

She nodded, heart breaking for all the things she knew could be- _should_ be. “I’ll be okay. Thanks, Harvey, for letting me get it all out.”

He smiled down at her briefly. “Any time, Rachel. And call me if you need anything, okay?” He put his jacked on and turned to leave. She followed him, opening the front door to let him out.

“She loves you, you know,” she said before she could help herself.

Harvey stopped. “I know,” he said, and paused. “Don’t be too envious, Rachel. What you have is better.” He nodded shortly. “Don’t forget to lock the door,” he said to her stunned expression, and strode into the night.


End file.
